Have I Lost My Mind? (WP Blog Archive September 2019)

So we have one day of building under our belts, and I'm on day 2 of Painsomnia, and really wondering if I've bitten off more than I can chew.

I didn't even DO that much. Our hole wasn't quite wide enough so we have to dig out the outside rows of footers by hand. I managed to do exactly 1 to the 4 or 5 of Mike's. I knew there would be zero way of keeping up with him on this build, but it's so important to me to be as physically involved with each step as I possibly can. In my head though, I put unrealistic pressure on myself to somehow keep up with him, and then the negative voice in my head berates me for not trying hard enough when logically I know that I've overdone it and will be paying for it.

During those fitful moments of sleep, all of my dreams were centered around finding relief from the pain and people being judgy about my need for pain relief.

I realize that all of this is anxiety bubbling to the surface and probably a little bit or a lot of me getting in my own way, which I'm really good at, but part of me is really evaluating how much of this build should I be scrubbing in on.

Time will tell. I just wish that I could DO things on the level of any of these other women that I admire on YouTube. I'm good for about 2 minutes, and the rest of the time I'm just willing myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Spoonies unite. I want to put my best foot forward, but I don't want to put a false face on chronic pain by not addressing this periodically for the sake of appearances. I'm struggling, and my hope is that like any normal person I'll get better with time. My fear is that this is going to break me even more. The common theme in my life right now is striking balance, so I need to find that balance in the physical stuff. How do you know how far is far enough when pushing yourself physically?

Fellow Spoonies, what is your gauge? How do you know when to stop pushing? Leave a comment. Share your experiences and wisdom.

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